Out of practice. That’s how I feel about racing right now. And that, on top of it not being my strong suit as a runner in the first place. I’ve always been a better trainer than a racer. I do the work, put in the time. I commit to training as if there’s something on the line. Like it’s my profession or my calling in life. When it came to races, I was in it more for joy than getting the best possible performance out of the day.
Race days always filled me up, but not because of the chance to win or prove myself. It was always the community. Being part of something bigger than me. Small talk with other runners. That easy camaraderie between total strangers. How clever spectators find my name on my bib, and shout for me like an old friend. How emotions wells up about what running has done for me physically and mentally. Almost every finish line I think: This is for the old me, who would never believe what I’m capable of today. Joy with a side of therapy.
I used to say I’m just not that competitive. It felt true when I said it. I didn’t seem to have what I saw in runner friends. How a race could stoke an inner fire for them. But something stirred as I got a little faster. Suddenly I was knocking on the door of top age group finishes and qualifying for Boston. Still, I clung to my narrative. Just not that competitive.
It didn’t hit all at once. There was a slow questioning. If I’m not competitive, why am I working on a marathon PR? Why did I hire a coach? Why am I afraid of sharing my A goal with the world?
Unpacking it all in layers, I realized “not competitive” was a story I was telling myself. Maybe it was true once. Maybe I’d changed. “Not competitive” now seemed more a protective measure than my story.
With this realization, I’m ready to start working on that side of things to become a better racer. So much of the work to be done is with my mental game. My first opportunity for finding my inner fierce is around the bend.
There is no switch to flip.
I’m still afraid—though less so—of my A goal.
This too will take practice.
This race is just the beginning.
#WriteAsRun Prompt No. 11: When I race again…
Start dreaming now. Visualize your ideal race. What does it look like? What steps can you take to bring it to life on race day?